Crap Joke fred.

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rowan
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby rowan » Tue Sep 04, 2018 6:16 pm

Image
If they're good enough to play at World Cups, why not in between?

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rowan
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Location: Istanbul

Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby rowan » Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:12 am

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
If they're good enough to play at World Cups, why not in between?

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Wed Sep 05, 2018 5:52 pm

What's orange and sounds like a parrot ?
A Carrot

What's blue and smells like yellow paint ?
Blue paint

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Sun Sep 16, 2018 1:47 pm

Regulars at the local 'Musketeer' pub near us started a football team and joined the local league.
They've had a great start to the season with 3 wins and a draw - all 4-1 and one 4-all..

welshsaint
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby welshsaint » Fri Sep 21, 2018 7:09 pm

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Sat Sep 22, 2018 12:39 pm

Somebody came to my door last night and offered me eight legs of Venison for two hundred pounds.
Was that too dear ?

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rowan
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Location: Istanbul

Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby rowan » Sat Sep 22, 2018 6:44 pm

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Keep the ladder steady.
If they're good enough to play at World Cups, why not in between?

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Sun Sep 23, 2018 12:40 am

I was unable to reset the password for an online account today. I entered 'beefstew', but the computer told me it wasn't stroganoff..

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Sun Sep 23, 2018 10:15 pm

The difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ?
A Hippo is quite heavy, a Zippo is a little lighter.

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Wed Sep 26, 2018 6:35 am

Two piles of vomit were walking together down a familiar part of town reminiscing,
One said: "See that doorway over there, that's where I was brought up..! "

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BBD
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby BBD » Thu Sep 27, 2018 10:49 am

why did the squirrel go swimming on his back?


to keep his nuts dry

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Sun Sep 30, 2018 10:21 am

My neighbour called his dog  'Blacksmith', because when anyone in the room farts he makes a bolt for the door.

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:03 pm

A man went to his bank to speak to somebody about his account.
A member of staff walked over to him and  pushed him so hard that he fell over.
She said "You did ask for someone to check your balance .."
******
A randy Walrus at the local zoo has been named 'Tupperware' by keepers there due to his liking for good, tight seals.

******
Wife: "I give up, it's a complete waste of time. To you this is just a big game"
Husband: "I'm afraid I can't accept that  - you've not pressed the buzzer.."

welshsaint
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby welshsaint » Mon Oct 15, 2018 7:18 pm

Not keen on the new one pound coin. Then again I never like change. (Courtesy of the Edinburgh Festival).

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Tue Oct 16, 2018 4:42 pm

Mr. Rabbit had not felt well for a while so went to his doctor who examined him then asked about his diet. Rabbit explained that he always liked a Cheese toastie at lunchtime but in recent weeks had been trying them with additional ham, tomato or mushrooms and sometimes a combination.
He returned home, devastated.
"Bad news",  he said to Mrs Rabbit, "I'm showing early signs of Mix'n ma' Toasties...."

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Mellsblue
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Mellsblue » Tue Oct 23, 2018 4:57 pm

Why does the Norwegian navy paint barcodes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scandinavian.
Last edited by Mellsblue on Wed Oct 24, 2018 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Wed Oct 24, 2018 3:10 pm

My wife made a typing mistake last week when trying to download a 'Calendar' app to her phone.
She got the 'Colander' app. instead and all it does is drain her battery.

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Mon Oct 29, 2018 8:56 pm

A man walks into the Vets with his poorly Octopus in a bucket.
"How much to get him examined ?"
Receptionist: "Sick squid.."

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Fri Nov 02, 2018 11:02 pm

A dog sat in the corner of the pub sipping his pint and doing a crossword.
Drinker: "You're so talented - you should be in the circus !"
Dog: "Do they need an electrician..?"

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Fri Dec 07, 2018 4:42 pm

A lorry has shed it's load of Vic's Nasal Spray near Junction 6 on the M40.
Police are confident there will be no congestion for the next 48 hrs.

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:42 pm

10 Christmas Crappies:

Our neighbour had to take her lad to the Doctors after eating Xmas decorations and becoming unwell.
He had tinsellitis.

******
Santa's Workshop has been closed down -
Elf and Safety.

******
Police have warned that the roads could be especially dangerous in the run up to Christmas with many workers choosing to go out after work and drink, before getting their wives to drive them home.

******
Bruno the brown-nose reindeer... next in line following Rudolph, but not able to stop as fast.

*****
Bert: "Why have you sent me out the front door into the freezing cold with a shovel ?"

Doris: "I thought you were asking for a snow-job.."

*****
How are Father Christmas's presents measured ?
In Santametres.

*****
What do you call a Christmas tree that dies hard ?
Spruce Willis.

*****
Where do you find the most Reindeer ?
In Manchester, darling.

*****
Where does the Coastguard record how far the sea comes in over Christmas ?
In his Yuletide log.

*****
Mary: “Put the rubbish out love.”
Joseph: “I can’t ..it’s Christmas - there’s no room in the bin.”

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Tue Mar 05, 2019 11:08 am

A man walked into the chip shop with a salmon over his shoulder and asked: 'Do you sell fish cakes ?'
Girl at Counter: 'Sorry, no'.
Man: 'That's a pity - it's his birthday today'.

(jethroism)

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Wed Mar 06, 2019 10:51 pm

Dave returned from his long international rugby weekend away with the lads, following the national team.He was understandably somewhat worse for wear.
'So how would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days ?' asked his missus.
'I'd be ok with that I reckon' he replied.
After not seeing her for the next two days, Dave could just make her out from the corner of his right eye by Wednesday, when the swelling had gone down a little.

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Galfon
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Galfon » Tue Apr 02, 2019 7:09 pm

The new cleaner at work took over 4 hours to hoover the office last night.
Apparently she's a Slovak.

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Buggaluggs
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Re: Crap Joke fred.

Postby Buggaluggs » Tue Apr 02, 2019 9:44 pm

The electric company called me the other day and said they wanted to come visit and chat about why my heating bills are so high.

I said sure, you know my door's always open.


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